Sometimes i talk to myself. Sometimes i record it. It serves as an auditory diary entry that i find myself using less as I manage my anxiety. Here is a loose transcription of a voice memo i made on the last day of 2017, as I waited for my ride to a NYE party. 

“Is thing on? I think so. It’s the last day of 2017. A year ago, in 2016, I came back from Youth Parliament. I had been elected to Leadership. Years prior was the worst day of my life…of everyone’s life. Every NYE after, I would think, ‘how far forward have I moved past that now?’ ‘what have I done to make ammends?’ Last year I arrived home, showered, and fell to my knees and cried, I think, I mean it’s hard to tell if you’re crying in the shower. I was so overcome with emotion, ‘look at me now. Look at everything I’ve done this year,’ I thought.

And yeah, it still feels like that, but 2017 was a little different. It was a lot of growing up, reality checks, and just…trying to figure it out- and not in the cool, adventurous way like 2016 was. It was the hard work that wasn’t necessarily exciting but…nonetheless, here I am again. Things are pretty good right now. Things have been better…but things are good.

I think that at the end of this year, this month of December (which was hell), I figured some things out: that this whole thing with ‘figuring out’ what is means to be Madeline Singh is a journey! And it’s not done yet! But here’s a recap: I thought I had to be tough and hardened. You know, like, things don’t bother me, people don’t bother me and that makes me mighty. I lived most of the year like that. In the literal end, the month of December I realized, ‘oh my gosh. There are things that phase me.’

The reason I put on a façade of indifference was because I knew I had a weak spot, and so did everyone. I spent the month dealing with finals, putting together this event, the inability to run, I had to deal with…so much, so much. But guess what I did it. And I did it while being melted. So does that mean I am mighty after all?

There is nothing left for me to run from. Despite all the stress and shit I have had to deal with this month, it felt liberating. I wear my weird pants and I walk down the street and think, ‘do I look weird?’ and then I think, ‘yeah, I do look weird‘ but no one cares, we’re all fleshbags, we’re all going to die eventually. I think 2018 is going to be good because I know what Madeline Singh which is anything I want to be. 2018, I am coming for you. I hope you’re ready.”

-Madeline