Happy Birthday!

Last year, on August 25th, it was my 20th birthday. My favourite band at the time, Turnover, released an album on that very day called Good Nature. I woke up that day and listened to it while I typed up a FB post thanking everyone for their birthday wishes. That day, I hated my life. My girlfriend of 3 years had broken up with me a few days prior, I was finishing up a move to a new house, and I woke up close to noon and felt like shit. I had a small party organized at my friend John’s dad’s place but I had to DD so I couldn’t even drink that much. I dreaded the entire day, and at that time in my life I dreaded most days. I failed 2 classes in the past year of school, a school year during which I was in a toxic relationship and spent all my free time playing Smash Bros. because it was a nice distraction from the life that seemed like it was falling apart around me.

I came downstairs that day and my mom said she wanted to tell me a story. She told me about how she wasn’t sure if she wanted to have me. When she got pregnant with me, she had only been dating my dad for a few months. She wasn’t a Canadian Citizen yet and she was scared to have me when her life wasn’t stable. My dad was in Prince Albert at the time visiting his parents, my mom was at her apartment in Calgary. He drove home overnight and when he got to my mom’s apartment he proposed to her. They got married and on Aug 25th 1997 my mom gave birth to me. On that very same day, my mom got her Canadian Citizenship. My birthday is a very special day in my family, not only because it shares a day with my mom’s citizenship, but also the very first day she spent in Canada. My mom always tells me she came to Canada so that I could have a good life. She came to Canada 3 years before I was born.

My mom ran away from a genocide so that I could have a good life. Yet I had just turned 20 and was finding ways to be down on a day that is so important to me and my mom. The entire party I had with everyone was such a bummer for because all I was thinking about was how bummed I was about my breakup, how much it sucked I couldn’t drink cause I was driving, and I had convinced myself that nobody at this party liked me. I went home dejected and sad. The thing is, (mostly) everyone at that party did like me, and I liked them a lot too.

I don’t listen to Turnover’s Good Nature anymore, and I’m not that same grumpy kid anymore. This is such a turbulent time in my life that I realized I needed to just let it happen, and that my angry flailing against the reality of my life was needless. I haven’t quite yet found my centre, but my life is full of people who will help me up until I do.